Let Go and Let Be!
When Endings Are New Beginnings, Part 2
Life Lesson # 1: Let Go and Let Be!
“Why can’t you be the man I need you to be?!”
“You are not acting very motherly.”
"If you would just make up your mind to be more passionate, we could save this marriage!”
“That’s not how friends are suppose to act.”
Each of these statements reflects the speakers desire for change to occur in another person. We tend to grow up with the notion that certain relationships should follow particular roles of behavior. Too many times, we find ourselves discontent with unfulfilled expectations and a nagging longing to produce change in someone close to us. Somehow we form “rules” of behavior for how our family, friends and coworkers SHOULD act with us. Disappointment is inevitable with these kinds of expectations, but we don’t give up easily. We prod, plead, implore, cajole and use our best manipulative techniques in our attempt to mold others into the type of character that WE think is best and right.
When we don’t get the results we want and expect, we resort to guilt trips, anger, pouting, criticism and rejection. Oh, how I’ve wasted so much of my own energy on relational futility! So much negative emotion and heartache directed towards something so misguided! The constant fight to “correct” my relationships made me very weary! If only my husband would be more understanding and tolerant. If only my children would listen to their mother and make wise choices based on her own experiences! If only my extended family members would all get along! If only my church would face up to its mistakes. If only my friend would apologize! If only my boss would be more tactful!
There is also the tendency for women in particular, to direct their frustration towards themselves. If only I could change and be more loving! If only I could be a better mother, lover, wife, friend! I sometimes see this self-degradation in my daughters. When things are not going well with a boyfriend they wonder what is wrong with them. “I must have done something to make him not like me.” Big Sigh!
It took three very different relationships in my life to teach me how to finally let go and let be, to stop the striving and nagging for change in others and to accept these people and my relationship with them for what they were. It was a life lesson that greatly eased my weary soul.
The first relationship involved a friendship with a coworker. This was a friendship of many twists and turns over several years that despite some forays into good times, ended up in a fizzle, with each of us going our own way for no apparent reason. For a while, the shift in our relationship really bothered me. I wondered what I had done wrong and fretted over what I could do to mend the relationship.
As much as it puzzled me, I eventually began to see that it just was what it was! It wasn’t a matter of one person doing something wrong. I pondered different friendships that I had had over the years and realized that there is a kind of ebb and flow to them. Some friends remain a constant in your life, while others change and evolve and even disappear. And that’s okay! Even those relationships right in front of us should be allowed to be fluid and changing without a demand for them to stay static. And most importantly, judgment does not need to be passed upon any in the declining relationship.
The 2nd relationship that really helped me learn to let go and let be was a complex one involving my family. Over the years, a certain strand of my family has experienced quite a bit of volatility and drama, with various members of the family pointing fingers at the others as being the main actors in our family soap opera. It has always been my wish that we all get along and from my perspective, I tried hard for many years to stay connected and work to mend misunderstandings and hurt feelings. (No doubt a few members of my family would scoff at my words and insist that I did my own share of creating conflict.)
Whatever the perspective, the reality is that just because we are family, doesn’t mean that we all have to like each other! I realized that I could maintain my own integrity and still not particularly like spending time with certain members of my family. This translated into accepting the fact that regular family reunions are just not a good idea. Why should we keep insisting on getting together when the results tend to be combustible? This realization also took me a step closer to finding peace outside of the approval of others. My family doesn’t have to like me either! Whew! What a relief!
The 3rd experience that helped me truly let go of my insistent expectations and taught me to accept the reality of a dysfunctional relationship was the partnership with my husband. I spent 20 years striving and nagging and demanding change within my marriage. It was like the proverbial “trying to fit a square peg into a round hole” scenario. It didn’t work and never would! We were both eventually able to drop the blame game and go our own way with each of us finding peace and happiness outside our dissolved union.
Ah…if it was only that simple! One lesson learned: Let go and let be! The dissolution of a marriage brings its own kind of life lessons. Lessons accompanied with plenty of emotion and lots of pain. Learning amidst the pain involves much letting be (allowing oneself to feel the pain) and a great deal of courage.
“You are not acting very motherly.”
"If you would just make up your mind to be more passionate, we could save this marriage!”
“That’s not how friends are suppose to act.”
Each of these statements reflects the speakers desire for change to occur in another person. We tend to grow up with the notion that certain relationships should follow particular roles of behavior. Too many times, we find ourselves discontent with unfulfilled expectations and a nagging longing to produce change in someone close to us. Somehow we form “rules” of behavior for how our family, friends and coworkers SHOULD act with us. Disappointment is inevitable with these kinds of expectations, but we don’t give up easily. We prod, plead, implore, cajole and use our best manipulative techniques in our attempt to mold others into the type of character that WE think is best and right.
When we don’t get the results we want and expect, we resort to guilt trips, anger, pouting, criticism and rejection. Oh, how I’ve wasted so much of my own energy on relational futility! So much negative emotion and heartache directed towards something so misguided! The constant fight to “correct” my relationships made me very weary! If only my husband would be more understanding and tolerant. If only my children would listen to their mother and make wise choices based on her own experiences! If only my extended family members would all get along! If only my church would face up to its mistakes. If only my friend would apologize! If only my boss would be more tactful!
There is also the tendency for women in particular, to direct their frustration towards themselves. If only I could change and be more loving! If only I could be a better mother, lover, wife, friend! I sometimes see this self-degradation in my daughters. When things are not going well with a boyfriend they wonder what is wrong with them. “I must have done something to make him not like me.” Big Sigh!
It took three very different relationships in my life to teach me how to finally let go and let be, to stop the striving and nagging for change in others and to accept these people and my relationship with them for what they were. It was a life lesson that greatly eased my weary soul.
The first relationship involved a friendship with a coworker. This was a friendship of many twists and turns over several years that despite some forays into good times, ended up in a fizzle, with each of us going our own way for no apparent reason. For a while, the shift in our relationship really bothered me. I wondered what I had done wrong and fretted over what I could do to mend the relationship.
As much as it puzzled me, I eventually began to see that it just was what it was! It wasn’t a matter of one person doing something wrong. I pondered different friendships that I had had over the years and realized that there is a kind of ebb and flow to them. Some friends remain a constant in your life, while others change and evolve and even disappear. And that’s okay! Even those relationships right in front of us should be allowed to be fluid and changing without a demand for them to stay static. And most importantly, judgment does not need to be passed upon any in the declining relationship.
The 2nd relationship that really helped me learn to let go and let be was a complex one involving my family. Over the years, a certain strand of my family has experienced quite a bit of volatility and drama, with various members of the family pointing fingers at the others as being the main actors in our family soap opera. It has always been my wish that we all get along and from my perspective, I tried hard for many years to stay connected and work to mend misunderstandings and hurt feelings. (No doubt a few members of my family would scoff at my words and insist that I did my own share of creating conflict.)
Whatever the perspective, the reality is that just because we are family, doesn’t mean that we all have to like each other! I realized that I could maintain my own integrity and still not particularly like spending time with certain members of my family. This translated into accepting the fact that regular family reunions are just not a good idea. Why should we keep insisting on getting together when the results tend to be combustible? This realization also took me a step closer to finding peace outside of the approval of others. My family doesn’t have to like me either! Whew! What a relief!
The 3rd experience that helped me truly let go of my insistent expectations and taught me to accept the reality of a dysfunctional relationship was the partnership with my husband. I spent 20 years striving and nagging and demanding change within my marriage. It was like the proverbial “trying to fit a square peg into a round hole” scenario. It didn’t work and never would! We were both eventually able to drop the blame game and go our own way with each of us finding peace and happiness outside our dissolved union.
Ah…if it was only that simple! One lesson learned: Let go and let be! The dissolution of a marriage brings its own kind of life lessons. Lessons accompanied with plenty of emotion and lots of pain. Learning amidst the pain involves much letting be (allowing oneself to feel the pain) and a great deal of courage.
This brings us to Life Lesson #2: Riding the Rapids. Hold on tight!
posted by lindylou | 8:00 AM
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