Expect Delays

When Endings are New Beginnings, Part 4

Life Lesson #3: Expect Delays

Here I’ve just babbled on and on about holding onto hope and expecting smooth sailing ahead and now I’m telling you to expect delays? What’s with that?

I have to be honest and tell you that one of the most surprising things that I discovered after my divorce was that just when I thought I had faced and finished with any pain associated with the split, I ran smack dab into an unexpected emotional roadblock. Such hazards came at me on several different occasions, surprising me each time.

As far as divorces go, mine was relatively simple and uncomplicated. The legal steps were initiated and final within a month. There was no fighting or screaming. We used one lawyer to help us write up a contract that we both agreed upon rather quickly and with little wrangling. We knew that the inevitable had finally come and we seemed calmly resigned to the outcome. With papers signed and a legal divorce in hand, I was confident that I was ready to move on and build a new life.

One of my first acts of independence was to march right down and buy myself an almost new car. This was a bit of a rebellious impulse, since I was reacting to my perception that over the years of being married to a mechanic, I had been cheated out of ever owning a clean, reliable car. (Remember the story of the cobbler’s children never having shoes? Well, that principle can be applied to mechanic's, too! Why spend money on a decent car when you have the ability to fix the old one if it breaks?!) I felt a little smug sitting in that nice, clean dependable car. I pointed it down the road feeling very sure that I was leaving all the potholes of my life behind me. However, while waving goodbye to the twists and turns behind me, I failed to notice the detour sign ahead. It wasn’t long before I was forced to stop suddenly and face an emotional road hazard that threatened to detour my journey towards the land of contentment.

This happened to me several more times during the two years after my divorce. The ease in which the legal stuff was dealt with lulled me into thinking that the worst was behind me. Actually, as I look back now, I can see that the worst WAS behind me, but it was important for me to face certain emotional issues that lay hidden and buried in my bruised and wounded heart. It was essential for me to be able to identify and label specific issues so that healing could begin. Only then could I truly move on towards a place of peace and contentment. Sometimes I crashed head on into the barriers that surprised me around a sharp turn. This could be very painful. I cried many tears and found myself wanting to throw things against the wall, or curl up in a dark corner, as I dealt with anger, grief, insecurity and loneliness.

I think it was at the roadblock of loneliness that I finally understood what was happening. I realized that each delay was really an important way station. I learned to embrace these diversions in my road and to view them as convenient rest stops. When I faced loneliness, I wallowed in it for a bit and then set out determined to embrace it and to let it challenge me to open myself up to new experiences.

The life lesson learned here is that smooth sailing is almost always a precursor to a rip roaring storm. As relationships evolve and even disintegrate, and endings become new beginnings, you WILL have delays in the journey ahead of you. Anticipate them, embrace them and be open to what you will certainly learn from them. Doing this will heal you, prepare you to deal with new relationships that come your way and bring you a new kind of confidence and sense of empowerment to make better choices in these relationships.

I will share a few of the lessons learned during these times of unexpected delay in my next few blogs.