Lost in Translation
When Endings are New Beginnings, Part 5
Life Lesson #4: Lost in Translation
I don’t have too many “aha” moments, but this was one of them. I remember the scene: We were standing on the back porch. A marriage was dissolving. I was trying to explain my thoughts and feelings about an important issue that I felt needed addressed. I wanted him to understand my point of view, by golly! Why was he looking at me as if I were from another planet? Then it hit me. A bit like a raw egg in an egg toss! A splat to the head, a strange sensation sliding down over the shoulder and a settling over the heart in a sticky mess!
Ideas were getting lost in translation! It wasn’t just a Venus/Mars kind of thing. It was a Vulcan/Klingon situation. Understanding was just not a possibility! And why on earth was I expecting it to happen? Over the last 20 years we had never really “gotten” each other. We both spoke English, but we each heard another language entirely. Why did I think that this moment would be any different? Why was I wasting so much time and energy trying to get this person to understand my way of thinking?
The desire for someone to “get” us, to comprehend our point of view, is one that is in all of us. As a relationship ends, however, this desire has a tendency to intensify. Even though the relationship is unraveling, we somehow desperately want the other party to suddenly understand where we are coming from. I think this happens for two reasons.
First, we want the other party to feel our hurt. We want some sort of confirmation from the other person that lets us know that they recognize the pain we are feeling and better yet, understand their part in causing it! We want justification for our actions. If he would only see my point of view and understand my hurt, perhaps he would express regret for his part in this relational failure. Then I can walk away feeling content (and somewhat smug) in the knowledge that he’s feeling MY pain!
Secondly, the pain and hurt we are feeling is very uncomfortable and we think that if we could just have the other person acknowledge why we are feeling this way that it will all go away. I’ve come to the conclusion that many of the choices we make in life are because we are trying to avoid pain. Pain doesn’t feel good. It makes us squirm and wince. It squeezes at our hearts and adds great stress to our lives. We will go out of our way to avoid it at all costs! We run from it and deny it. If that doesn’t work, we try to garner sympathy for our hurt by blaming someone else for being the cause of it. For some reason, we find it very difficult to accept that pain as something that just IS.
The lesson that I learned in this “aha” moment was this: When a relationship is over, it doesn’t matter that the other person understand my point of view. I am wasting my time, energy and forward motion trying to explain myself. It is an exercise in futility.
Every now and then my mom reminds me of this saying; “ You can't teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of time and it annoys the pig.” It’s a good thing to remember! Put your energy into creating positive changes in your life.
The second aspect of this lesson is that pain in a situation like this cannot be avoided. The best thing to do is acknowledge it. Name it. Face it. Let it wash over you without any attempt to justify it or avoid it. Its part of the journey and it WILL pass- if you embrace it. Think of trying to erect a dam to stop a flash flood. It may work for a short time, but eventually the pressure of the flood waters will cause the dam to burst and that in turn may cause a lot of damage. The other option is to hold on tight and let it wash over you. It will hurt, but it will become a fading memory more quickly with less harm done.
Ideas were getting lost in translation! It wasn’t just a Venus/Mars kind of thing. It was a Vulcan/Klingon situation. Understanding was just not a possibility! And why on earth was I expecting it to happen? Over the last 20 years we had never really “gotten” each other. We both spoke English, but we each heard another language entirely. Why did I think that this moment would be any different? Why was I wasting so much time and energy trying to get this person to understand my way of thinking?
The desire for someone to “get” us, to comprehend our point of view, is one that is in all of us. As a relationship ends, however, this desire has a tendency to intensify. Even though the relationship is unraveling, we somehow desperately want the other party to suddenly understand where we are coming from. I think this happens for two reasons.
First, we want the other party to feel our hurt. We want some sort of confirmation from the other person that lets us know that they recognize the pain we are feeling and better yet, understand their part in causing it! We want justification for our actions. If he would only see my point of view and understand my hurt, perhaps he would express regret for his part in this relational failure. Then I can walk away feeling content (and somewhat smug) in the knowledge that he’s feeling MY pain!
Secondly, the pain and hurt we are feeling is very uncomfortable and we think that if we could just have the other person acknowledge why we are feeling this way that it will all go away. I’ve come to the conclusion that many of the choices we make in life are because we are trying to avoid pain. Pain doesn’t feel good. It makes us squirm and wince. It squeezes at our hearts and adds great stress to our lives. We will go out of our way to avoid it at all costs! We run from it and deny it. If that doesn’t work, we try to garner sympathy for our hurt by blaming someone else for being the cause of it. For some reason, we find it very difficult to accept that pain as something that just IS.
The lesson that I learned in this “aha” moment was this: When a relationship is over, it doesn’t matter that the other person understand my point of view. I am wasting my time, energy and forward motion trying to explain myself. It is an exercise in futility.
Every now and then my mom reminds me of this saying; “ You can't teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of time and it annoys the pig.” It’s a good thing to remember! Put your energy into creating positive changes in your life.
The second aspect of this lesson is that pain in a situation like this cannot be avoided. The best thing to do is acknowledge it. Name it. Face it. Let it wash over you without any attempt to justify it or avoid it. Its part of the journey and it WILL pass- if you embrace it. Think of trying to erect a dam to stop a flash flood. It may work for a short time, but eventually the pressure of the flood waters will cause the dam to burst and that in turn may cause a lot of damage. The other option is to hold on tight and let it wash over you. It will hurt, but it will become a fading memory more quickly with less harm done.
posted by lindylou | 9:45 AM
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