The Gift of Something We Love

"Self-Hatred seems to me an evil thing in itself

rather than an antidote to evil.

If we practice self-hatred, then the sacrifice we make of ourselves and

our lives is not sacred, for it is then a gift of something we hate

rather than of something that we have nurtured and loved."

(from: Confessions of a Pagan Nun by Kate Horsely)

The idea that I must love myself has been a difficult concept for me to grasp. I do not think that I am alone in this struggle. Anyone who has been raised under the influence of an authoritative religious environment knows that self-love is not an aspect of character development that we are encouraged to strive for! I remember being taught the acronym: J.O.Y. - Jesus, Others, You!

It sounds so noble and honorable to spout such a concept. Putting myself last would seem to be the "Christian" thing to do, however, I have come to realize that this is a very deceptive and damaging belief. For women in particular, much harm has come from the idea that we must avoid self-love.

Because we feel as if we are worthless, we make poor decisions in our life. We fail to listen to our hearts and the wise intuition that God put within us. That niggling voice that tells us to avoid a situation or relationship is squelched because we doubt ourselves. After all, we must put everyone else ahead of ourselves. That means we ignore what we want and need. Ultimately, this breeds anger and resentment. This hurts us individually and those whom we love.

I find it ironic that in my own life, it was the influence of a woman who cultivated my own self-hatred. A dead woman, whose prolific words filled my brain with the idea that putting myself first was sinful and dangerous for my eternal welfare. A wonderful result of leaving behind the SDA church and its false prophet has been the realization that I am truly worthy of God's love. Not worthy because of anything I have done, but valued and beloved by God just because I am His own daughter, His creation!

When we have accepted Christ as our Savior and believe that His Spirit dwells within our hearts, then the idea of putting oneself first is NOT dangerous! Insisting that we be last in everything; that we put other people's needs before our own, only denigrates that which God has deemed worthy of His love and indwelling Spirit. It is in fact, a kind of twisted egotism. How dare we despise the person whom God has redeemed with His blood and resurrection?!

It is only when we understand our value and know that we are truly loved just as we are, that we can be of any good to the rest of the world. That knowledge is what brings us peace and contentment and allows us to be a blessing to those around us.

"God saved you by his special favor when you believed.

And you can't take credit for this, it is a gift from God.

Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done,

so none of us can boast about it.

For we are God's masterpiece!

He has created us anew in Christ Jesus,

so that we can do the good things He planned for us long ago."

Ephesians 2:8-10

Don't be afraid to love yourself! You are God's masterpiece!! The results of loving yourself will be that you will take care of yourself. You will guard your heart and listen to your intuition.

Loving yourself will bring you healthy relationships. Most of all, it will bring you contentment and a sense of satisfaction that what you have to offer the world is a wonderful gift from God!

Friendship: Bringing Light to the Blind!

There is a sweet story about a dog and a cat who were survivors of Hurricane Katrina. These animals had been left behind in the confusion of people being quickly rescued from their flooded houses. The dog was tied to the front porch of the house with a chain and food and water were left by the owners who were hoping they could come back soon for their beloved pets. Weeks passed and no one was allowed back into the neighborhood. In desperation, the dog finally broke free and with her chain dragging the ground, she and her calico friend took off looking for nourishment. Four months later, the pair were rescued and taken to a temporary animal shelter that had been set up by volunteers. The volunteers tried to separate the animals, but they would not have it. The dog whined and barked all night and would not settle down until the cat was brought into the cage with her. It was then discovered that the cat had a disability. He was blind! One can only wonder what struggles the animals had to endure in the months they were on their own. But it is clear that they took care of each other and that their companionship kept them going. It is a beautiful story of friendship and support. ( From: "The Two Bobbies" by Larson, Nethry and Cassels)

This story is an obvious illustration of how important friendship can be. There are so many times in my life in which my friends helped keep me on the path of sanity! The constancy of a friend's love and support is something to be treasured beyond all things. The one aspect of this story that got me to thinking, however, was the idea of "blindness" in connection to friendship.

I remember a story in the Bible found in John 9 which tells about how Jesus healed a blind man and how the religious leaders had such a difficult time with this miracle. Jesus told them that He had come to give sight to the blind and to show those who think they see that they are blind. The religious gurus responded in total shock at His words and asked Him, "Are you saying that we are blind?" Jesus' response was, "If you were blind, you wouldn't be guilty. But you remain guilty because you claim you can see!"

My pondering heart is struck by those words! They have deep spiritual implication, but this day, I'm going to explore the concept of how blindness and friendship are potentially intertwined. So many times we journey through life completely oblivious to our own lack of sight. We gather people around us in the name of friendship who help us keep the illusion alive. We think we know who we are and what we are about. We convince ourselves that we are justified in our thoughts and actions and we make sure that we bring people into our life who will either distract us from thinking too deeply or who will pander to our self-delusion with their words and actions. This is not true friendship.

In my own life, I have been blessed with many wonderful friends. These friends do love me unconditionally and boost my ego with their words of appreciation and support. However, the friends that I hold dearest to my heart are those who go a step further and help me probe the blindness of my heart. This is not an easy thing to do. The natural tendency for most of us is to avoid conflict. We don't want to come across as being judgmental or unaccepting in our friendships and as a result we sometimes let things go unsaid. My best friends have taken the risk and in love, helped me explore the dark, murky places of my heart with the light of their friendship. They have helped me see aspects of myself that I have previously ignored. They have done this in a way that has made me feel safe in the discovery process.

My closest friends have also helped me uncover lies that I have believed about myself and helped me replace them with truth. Each of us has come in contact with people who can with a single word or action send an arrow of self-doubt and recrimination deep into our souls. A chance remark about a physical feature, a teasing, hurtful joke implying some deficiency in our character or an accusation thrown in our face can pierce us and plant little lies into the depths of our hearts. Over time, these lies fester and grow into warped beliefs about ourselves that can create havoc in our lives.

In the past two years, I have been amazed at how many lies I had come to believe about myself as a result of my dysfunctional marriage. It can be difficult to see dysfunction when you are smack dab in the middle of it! Since my divorce, I've been able to recognize certain fallacies that I have accepted as truth in my own life. It is my dearest friends who have helped me through the process of identifying a deceit and replacing it with the actual truth of the matter. I will be forever grateful for their willingness to go deep with me on this journey of self discovery! The irony is that these friends are not always deliberate in their help. Something they say offhand shines a light on a particular aspect of my belief system. I am stunned by the awareness of seeing the truth about myself - a truth that has always been there, but that I failed to recognize because I allowed another person's dysfunction to become my own.

I thank God for the wonderful friends that He has brought into my life. I am a woman greatly blessed with friendship. In my blindness, He has given me light through His Spirit and through the friends He has given me.