Mindless Contentment

I stare at the blank page and wonder why I cannot conjure up any kind of thought-provoking words. It is summer vacation and one would think that with time on my hands, I could put together a few coherent and inspirational thoughts. Despite my best efforts, I come up empty! For someone who prides herself on being able to probe and ask hard questions, this is a bit disconcerting! Nearby, I have a notebook stuffed with evidence of those times in which words seemed to flow out of my fingers. At the moment, however, I find that my fingers are inert. As I ponder their rebellion of laziness, I realize that this time of thoughtless inactivity could possibly represent something profound in my life.

As I look back on my life and think about those times in which I felt compelled to write, I understand that my words came from a place of anger, frustration, uncertainty and discontent. I suppose that happens the same way with poets and songwriters! Art, poetry and music arise from a place of deep emotion. For so many years I was angry and confused with my life and my belief system. My sense of self was lost in a profusion of emotions that arose from my relationships, particularly my relationship within church and marriage.

After years of feeling uncertainty in love, experiencing cognitive dissonance in my religion and great angst in my marriage, I am finally in a place of great contentment and peace. I have come to understand what it means to stand in the grace and love of God. I realize that I don't need "religion" or marriage to define me. This state of being has evolved slowly and sometimes painfully, but I now recognize that I currently stand in a state of calm. Ironically, as a result, my brain wave activity seems to have flat-lined a bit!! ( I can only hope that dementia doesn't soon follow contentment!)

Of course, we all know that the calm eye of the storm only precedes raging winds and rough waters ahead, but for now I will accept and relish the sense of contentment that I am standing in. I will praise God for everything in my life that has brought me to this place of peace and I will trust that He will continue to be there with me in the inevitable storms ahead.

So for now, here's to mindless contentment! Cheers!