So Happy Without You!

When Endings are New Beginnings, Part 6

Life Lesson #5: So Happy Without You!

One of the most painful roadblocks that I faced after my divorce involved some obsessive thinking. It’s embarrassing to admit, but while I was happy to be on my own, happy to put the futility of trying to make a bad relationship work behind me, I was not happy facing the idea that HE might be happy without ME!

The idea that another woman would bring him joy and more importantly find her own happiness within a relationship with this man that I had just severed ties with, was bothersome. Okay, it was more than bothersome, it was intolerable! Acknowledging the truth of my feelings was very difficult. After all, how many times had I said to myself, “I just wish he would find someone else to love and leave me in peace!”

It wasn’t that I wanted what I couldn’t have any more, it was that I didn’t want anyone else to want it! If he found true love with another woman AND she found her happiness in him, then all the inadequacies I felt as a wife and lover must be true! It was devastating to think that they were.

This roadblock, more than any other, made me look deep inside in an attempt to locate and define what was really true about myself. I realized that over the last two decades that I had lost the truth of who I was. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. What kind of woman was I really?

It became a matter of uncovering a belief that I held, examining it closely, understanding its source and then labeling it as either a truth or a lie. This was a vey important excavation job. It could determine the success or failure of future relationships. If I wanted to live my life as truthfully as possible, I had to begin with being honest with myself. Culling out the lies in my own belief system was essential to healing and establishing healthy relationships in the future.

It took a lot of mental gymnastics to quell my obsessive thoughts and look deep within myself. It didn’t help that my ex felt comfortable enough with me to share his quest for a new love in his life. I wanted so much to make this a “friendly” divorce that I made it easy for him to share information with me that I really didn’t want to know. (There’s another lesson to be gleaned from that, I’m sure!) Eventually, I was able to focus more on identifying those things that I had come to believe about myself, as well as explore accusations thrown at me during my marriage and then determine the validity of each of them. I was able to come up with a list that involved the concepts of passion, financial responsibility, communication & mothering skills, and my personal sense of style and grace.

In the end, I found that once I had explored each of these ideas with as much honesty as I was able to apply to them that my silly, obsessive thoughts about my ex’s happiness faded away. I was finally able to step back and wish him well with sincerity. He is now in a seemingly healthy relationship and taking steps towards another marriage. I can see that both parties are happy with each other and I can honestly say that I am at peace with that thought. Being content with myself allows me to let go and hope the best for him in his new life.

This lesson here is that when a relationship has failed and you each go your own way, be ready for some lingering, obsessive, not-so-nice thinking to crawl around in your head. You’ll think you are going crazy, but use this unsettled time to do some exploring of your own heart. Before you can discern external truth, you must be able to discern truth about yourself. Being honest with yourself with help you heal and allow you to let go of your past.

Lost in Translation

When Endings are New Beginnings, Part 5

Life Lesson #4: Lost in Translation

I don’t have too many “aha” moments, but this was one of them. I remember the scene: We were standing on the back porch. A marriage was dissolving. I was trying to explain my thoughts and feelings about an important issue that I felt needed addressed. I wanted him to understand my point of view, by golly! Why was he looking at me as if I were from another planet? Then it hit me. A bit like a raw egg in an egg toss! A splat to the head, a strange sensation sliding down over the shoulder and a settling over the heart in a sticky mess!

Ideas were getting lost in translation! It wasn’t just a Venus/Mars kind of thing. It was a Vulcan/Klingon situation. Understanding was just not a possibility! And why on earth was I expecting it to happen? Over the last 20 years we had never really “gotten” each other. We both spoke English, but we each heard another language entirely. Why did I think that this moment would be any different? Why was I wasting so much time and energy trying to get this person to understand my way of thinking?

The desire for someone to “get” us, to comprehend our point of view, is one that is in all of us. As a relationship ends, however, this desire has a tendency to intensify. Even though the relationship is unraveling, we somehow desperately want the other party to suddenly understand where we are coming from. I think this happens for two reasons.

First, we want the other party to feel our hurt. We want some sort of confirmation from the other person that lets us know that they recognize the pain we are feeling and better yet, understand their part in causing it! We want justification for our actions. If he would only see my point of view and understand my hurt, perhaps he would express regret for his part in this relational failure. Then I can walk away feeling content (and somewhat smug) in the knowledge that he’s feeling MY pain!

Secondly, the pain and hurt we are feeling is very uncomfortable and we think that if we could just have the other person acknowledge why we are feeling this way that it will all go away. I’ve come to the conclusion that many of the choices we make in life are because we are trying to avoid pain. Pain doesn’t feel good. It makes us squirm and wince. It squeezes at our hearts and adds great stress to our lives. We will go out of our way to avoid it at all costs! We run from it and deny it. If that doesn’t work, we try to garner sympathy for our hurt by blaming someone else for being the cause of it. For some reason, we find it very difficult to accept that pain as something that just IS.

The lesson that I learned in this “aha” moment was this: When a relationship is over, it doesn’t matter that the other person understand my point of view. I am wasting my time, energy and forward motion trying to explain myself. It is an exercise in futility.
Every now and then my mom reminds me of this saying; “ You can't teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of time and it annoys the pig.” It’s a good thing to remember! Put your energy into creating positive changes in your life.

The second aspect of this lesson is that pain in a situation like this cannot be avoided. The best thing to do is acknowledge it. Name it. Face it. Let it wash over you without any attempt to justify it or avoid it. Its part of the journey and it WILL pass- if you embrace it. Think of trying to erect a dam to stop a flash flood. It may work for a short time, but eventually the pressure of the flood waters will cause the dam to burst and that in turn may cause a lot of damage. The other option is to hold on tight and let it wash over you. It will hurt, but it will become a fading memory more quickly with less harm done.

Expect Delays

When Endings are New Beginnings, Part 4

Life Lesson #3: Expect Delays

Here I’ve just babbled on and on about holding onto hope and expecting smooth sailing ahead and now I’m telling you to expect delays? What’s with that?

I have to be honest and tell you that one of the most surprising things that I discovered after my divorce was that just when I thought I had faced and finished with any pain associated with the split, I ran smack dab into an unexpected emotional roadblock. Such hazards came at me on several different occasions, surprising me each time.

As far as divorces go, mine was relatively simple and uncomplicated. The legal steps were initiated and final within a month. There was no fighting or screaming. We used one lawyer to help us write up a contract that we both agreed upon rather quickly and with little wrangling. We knew that the inevitable had finally come and we seemed calmly resigned to the outcome. With papers signed and a legal divorce in hand, I was confident that I was ready to move on and build a new life.

One of my first acts of independence was to march right down and buy myself an almost new car. This was a bit of a rebellious impulse, since I was reacting to my perception that over the years of being married to a mechanic, I had been cheated out of ever owning a clean, reliable car. (Remember the story of the cobbler’s children never having shoes? Well, that principle can be applied to mechanic's, too! Why spend money on a decent car when you have the ability to fix the old one if it breaks?!) I felt a little smug sitting in that nice, clean dependable car. I pointed it down the road feeling very sure that I was leaving all the potholes of my life behind me. However, while waving goodbye to the twists and turns behind me, I failed to notice the detour sign ahead. It wasn’t long before I was forced to stop suddenly and face an emotional road hazard that threatened to detour my journey towards the land of contentment.

This happened to me several more times during the two years after my divorce. The ease in which the legal stuff was dealt with lulled me into thinking that the worst was behind me. Actually, as I look back now, I can see that the worst WAS behind me, but it was important for me to face certain emotional issues that lay hidden and buried in my bruised and wounded heart. It was essential for me to be able to identify and label specific issues so that healing could begin. Only then could I truly move on towards a place of peace and contentment. Sometimes I crashed head on into the barriers that surprised me around a sharp turn. This could be very painful. I cried many tears and found myself wanting to throw things against the wall, or curl up in a dark corner, as I dealt with anger, grief, insecurity and loneliness.

I think it was at the roadblock of loneliness that I finally understood what was happening. I realized that each delay was really an important way station. I learned to embrace these diversions in my road and to view them as convenient rest stops. When I faced loneliness, I wallowed in it for a bit and then set out determined to embrace it and to let it challenge me to open myself up to new experiences.

The life lesson learned here is that smooth sailing is almost always a precursor to a rip roaring storm. As relationships evolve and even disintegrate, and endings become new beginnings, you WILL have delays in the journey ahead of you. Anticipate them, embrace them and be open to what you will certainly learn from them. Doing this will heal you, prepare you to deal with new relationships that come your way and bring you a new kind of confidence and sense of empowerment to make better choices in these relationships.

I will share a few of the lessons learned during these times of unexpected delay in my next few blogs.

Riding the Rapids

When Endings are New Beginnings, Part 3

Life Lesson #2. Riding the Rapids

Not long ago, it was on my heart to call a dear friend to see how she was doing. I knew that she was experiencing many changes in her life and that she was very discouraged. As soon as I heard her voice, I could sense that she was depressed and drowning in a flood of conflicting emotions that were being churned up as important family relationships were undergoing transition. As we talked, I suddenly had a word picture form in my head that helped me “see” a bit of what she was experiencing. I could relate to the image because it had also been my own experience. I did my best to describe this word picture, praying that she would somehow find a glimmer of hope to hold on to.

In the days following our conversation I thought a lot about what we had talked about. The image that had come to mind was one of a woman alone in a rowboat that was being tossed and bounced along on rough turbulent rapids. It was as if a flash flood had just occurred and she had been caught by surprise in a torrent of water rushing into the previously calm waters of her life. The angry waters had gathered dirt and debris, muddying the clear river, churning and hitting against the boat as it rushed wildly out of control down the fast moving current.

Whether or not it is the result of a forecasted storm or an unexpected downpour, the demise of any important relationship in our lives will most likely send us reeling and make us feel as if we are alone in a boat without paddles, rushing down category 5 rapids. In particular, changes in our marriage or with our children stir up large pieces of debris and dirt that are hurled at us, causing bruising and intense pain.

When you find yourself on this part of the river, it can be very difficult to think of anything other than the excruciating fear and pain. Sometimes the tendency at this point is to abandon ship. You want to jump overboard to try and reach shore and stop the fearful journey downstream. However dysfunctional the marriage or relationship has been doesn’t seem to compare to the suffering you are going through in this moment. Oh, if only you could go back to where you were before. It couldn’t be worse than this!

My friend was at this point. She was thinking that staying in her passionless marriage was better than experiencing the angst and turmoil she was currently going through. I remember briefly feeling this way during my divorce. Why was I rocking the boat? What was wrong with the status quo? Did I really want to be another failed marriage statistic? Wouldn’t it be better for the kids if we stayed together? Is it worth all this pain? Would I really be happier living alone?

In the end, I decided to stay in the boat and face what I might find downstream with the hope that things would eventually smooth out. It wasn’t my intention to urge my friend to go through with ending her marriage, but I did want to remind her that in time, her pain would subside. The river would settle down and the debris would thin out and disperse. I encouraged her to look to the horizon, past the dark, gray clouds to the sliver of light far in the distance.

Riding the rapids means going with the flow. The demise of any relationship will be painful. The unknown change it may bring to our lives can be frightening. However, I have learned that if we allow it to happen, the end of a relationship will inevitably bring about new beginnings in our lives. While the process of change can be very tumultuous, things WILL calm down and smooth out for us as long as we let go, accept the change and hold on tight while running the rapids.

With a bit of courage and strength from above, you may even find yourself feeling excitement, adventure and a surprising sense of anticipation to see what is around the next bend or over the next set of diminishing rapids. Hold on to hope, keeping in mind that smooth waters ARE ahead. You will reach shore where you can confidently step out on the highway of life. Ah…but one small warning to heed. Even on this new road be ready to expect some delays along on the way. Embrace them and learn!

Let Go and Let Be!

When Endings Are New Beginnings, Part 2

Life Lesson # 1: Let Go and Let Be!

“Why can’t you be the man I need you to be?!”

“You are not acting very motherly.”

"If you would just make up your mind to be more passionate, we could save this marriage!”

“That’s not how friends are suppose to act.”

Each of these statements reflects the speakers desire for change to occur in another person. We tend to grow up with the notion that certain relationships should follow particular roles of behavior. Too many times, we find ourselves discontent with unfulfilled expectations and a nagging longing to produce change in someone close to us. Somehow we form “rules” of behavior for how our family, friends and coworkers SHOULD act with us. Disappointment is inevitable with these kinds of expectations, but we don’t give up easily. We prod, plead, implore, cajole and use our best manipulative techniques in our attempt to mold others into the type of character that WE think is best and right.

When we don’t get the results we want and expect, we resort to guilt trips, anger, pouting, criticism and rejection. Oh, how I’ve wasted so much of my own energy on relational futility! So much negative emotion and heartache directed towards something so misguided! The constant fight to “correct” my relationships made me very weary! If only my husband would be more understanding and tolerant. If only my children would listen to their mother and make wise choices based on her own experiences! If only my extended family members would all get along! If only my church would face up to its mistakes. If only my friend would apologize! If only my boss would be more tactful!

There is also the tendency for women in particular, to direct their frustration towards themselves. If only I could change and be more loving! If only I could be a better mother, lover, wife, friend! I sometimes see this self-degradation in my daughters. When things are not going well with a boyfriend they wonder what is wrong with them. “I must have done something to make him not like me.” Big Sigh!

It took three very different relationships in my life to teach me how to finally let go and let be, to stop the striving and nagging for change in others and to accept these people and my relationship with them for what they were. It was a life lesson that greatly eased my weary soul.

The first relationship involved a friendship with a coworker. This was a friendship of many twists and turns over several years that despite some forays into good times, ended up in a fizzle, with each of us going our own way for no apparent reason. For a while, the shift in our relationship really bothered me. I wondered what I had done wrong and fretted over what I could do to mend the relationship.

As much as it puzzled me, I eventually began to see that it just was what it was! It wasn’t a matter of one person doing something wrong. I pondered different friendships that I had had over the years and realized that there is a kind of ebb and flow to them. Some friends remain a constant in your life, while others change and evolve and even disappear. And that’s okay! Even those relationships right in front of us should be allowed to be fluid and changing without a demand for them to stay static. And most importantly, judgment does not need to be passed upon any in the declining relationship.

The 2nd relationship that really helped me learn to let go and let be was a complex one involving my family. Over the years, a certain strand of my family has experienced quite a bit of volatility and drama, with various members of the family pointing fingers at the others as being the main actors in our family soap opera. It has always been my wish that we all get along and from my perspective, I tried hard for many years to stay connected and work to mend misunderstandings and hurt feelings. (No doubt a few members of my family would scoff at my words and insist that I did my own share of creating conflict.)

Whatever the perspective, the reality is that just because we are family, doesn’t mean that we all have to like each other! I realized that I could maintain my own integrity and still not particularly like spending time with certain members of my family. This translated into accepting the fact that regular family reunions are just not a good idea. Why should we keep insisting on getting together when the results tend to be combustible? This realization also took me a step closer to finding peace outside of the approval of others. My family doesn’t have to like me either! Whew! What a relief!

The 3rd experience that helped me truly let go of my insistent expectations and taught me to accept the reality of a dysfunctional relationship was the partnership with my husband. I spent 20 years striving and nagging and demanding change within my marriage. It was like the proverbial “trying to fit a square peg into a round hole” scenario. It didn’t work and never would! We were both eventually able to drop the blame game and go our own way with each of us finding peace and happiness outside our dissolved union.

Ah…if it was only that simple! One lesson learned: Let go and let be! The dissolution of a marriage brings its own kind of life lessons. Lessons accompanied with plenty of emotion and lots of pain. Learning amidst the pain involves much letting be (allowing oneself to feel the pain) and a great deal of courage.

This brings us to Life Lesson #2: Riding the Rapids. Hold on tight!

When Endings are New Beginnings

When Endings are New Beginnings Part 1:

In varying degrees, we humans spend quite a bit of energy and time dealing with relationships in our lives. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. We inherit them, fall into them, pursue them and find them by chance. We ignore them, neglect them and run away from them. Relationships can be casual, enduring, passionate and temporary.
And while effort goes into all phases of a relationship, it is at the beginning and ending of these relationships that we experience the most intense emotions.

For myself, dealing with the complexities of the varied relationships in my own life has been the focus of most of my emotional energy. In the last year, however, there has been a cosmic shift in my overall approach to relationships. My own wrangling with relationships over time is most evidenced in my writing. Over the years I’ve kept journals, written poetry and blogged, with most of my words pertaining to the ebb and flow of important relationships in my life, with friends, family and spiritual relationships heading the list.

Fifty isn’t the magic number, but when that number could be officially used to describe my age, I coincidently experienced a mental earthquake! I am hoping that what happened is more an “act of God” rather than a precursor to dementia! Whatever it was, the result was that for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like writing. As you can see in this blog, my last entry was July of 2009, with nary a word until this moment. Ironically, finding peace and contentment in my approach to relationships resulted in a sort of shut down in my mental contemplations. It’s been a little disconcerting, but I’ve chosen to go with the flow and enjoy the quiet. I used to say that my mind was my own worst enemy. This year of quiet has given it a good rest.

I now find myself doing a lot of observing. Three young ladies in their early twenties live in my house. There is much coming and going and relationship drama to be observed. I have friends and family who are experiencing their own beginning and endings in important relationships. I realize that it is difficult to learn from anyone’s experience except your own, but I feel compelled to share a few things that I’ve learned in my own struggles with endings and beginnings. Sometimes it can be helpful and encouraging to know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

I realize that wisdom is relative to perspective and truth be told, as I ponder what I’ve learned in the course of my life I have to wonder why it took me so long to comprehend concepts that seem so obvious from this side of things. I am choosing to articulate the life lessons that I’ve learned to help pin them down in my own mind. If sharing my thoughts resonates with anyone else out there then all the better!
Stay tuned!

Lindylou